One of those lonely, lonely days when all I can do is remember –
Category Archives: loss
Friends of ours gave us a Daisy Gardenia as a living and loving memory to Byron. New growth started appearing early spring and then without any indication, the first bloom appeared and I was awestruck. Not because it finally bloomed, but because it bloomed this morning, on his birthday. Further affirmation that he hasn’t left us, he’s everywhere, at all times, with us always.
And as I made my way through his forest so mystical, I came upon the entrance of choice; I hesitated not, but boldly moved forward, into the Never, which forever altered my course through all worlds ~ ©jillterry | jillterry.com
Something caught my eye through the sun glared dirty windshield – an old tape; dropped, lost, perhaps now forgotten, laying alongside the road. I watched the ribbon blow freely in the early evening breeze, and felt a pinch in my heart I recognized as sadness. I thought of him – the way we were in the beginning; two souls colliding, igniting our hearts forever, each with another by our side, keeping us apart, but unable to extinguish the inferno that raged between us.
For a year we danced the waltz of secret lovers, inside our minds, each time our paths fatefully crossed, proving no force strong enough to keep us apart; as a knight in shining armor he appeared upon my doorstep, a gift from God on the eve of that Christmas, sweeping me up in his loving arms, promising never to let me go; vowing to love me through good and bad, in sickness and health, until death do us part.
Twenty years of laughter and love, new life and family with the gift of our son; successes failures, betrayal and forgiveness, all wrapped up in our ribbon of love; blowing through time, weaving our lives.
For two years I smelled death creep upon him, I expressed this to him, but we spoke not of it. He distanced himself slowly, over a period of time, as a beloved cat prepares to wander off and die, confirming his preference that night I made reference. No burden would he be, no life worth living being dependent and not free.
I saw him there, inside my mind, those last moments when all seemed lost, any shred of light snuffed out in darkness, our ribbon of love no longer enough to sustain him; his thoughts were of us, his love just as strong, he asked for forgiveness as he raised the gun. The end wasn’t instant, this came as a shock, he stood and he stumbled, fell face forward on the ground, blood seeping slowly, he whispered, “What have I done.”
– j.a.terry 1.30.16
If I could go back and live that last day over, I most assuredly would be waking by his side tomorrow – j.a. terry 1.6.16